Dear Kathy: Fear of memories compounds grief

Awhile back I lost my husband.  He was the love of my life, and I miss him more than I can say.  Though I have suffered intense grief, I am finally able to get through a day without falling apart at every thought of him. However, I’ve noticed that fear has become an even stronger emotion.  It is so strong, I feel imprisoned.  Chained almost.  Definitely restricted.  Here’s what I mean.

I am so afraid that the intense pain will return, I will be back at square one, if I so much as see a photo of my husband.  Hearing a recording of his voice or watching a video of him, is unthinkable.  There is a box of cards he wrote me over the years.  It is in a dresser drawer.  I love and hate that drawer at the same time.  What can I do?  The pain lurks as if waiting to attack me.  I am ever on guard.

Signed, Grieving Wife

Dear Grieving Wife,

Your fear is actually part of a grieving process, and to feel trapped by it is not uncommon.  But there is a way to freedom.  The way there is through the pain, not avoiding it.

A child’s first up on a bike terrifies him.  But he does it, and does it again, and soon he’s FREE to ride.  A businessman fumbles for words as he presents, but then he does it, and does it again, and soon he’s FREE to make his points.  Any fear must be faced for freedom’s sake. Tried, tried again, until it is conquered or at least managed.

I’m sorry, but you have no options.  Call a friend.  Open the drawer together.  Read a card.  Cry in her arms.  Open another one and cry again.  Take small steps.  Embrace the grief, and freedom will embrace you.  You will be free.

I’ll venture to say, that one day you will even share photos of your husband, watch the video of your camping trip, listen to his goofy messages, and miss him without anxieties, without tears.

Until then, read another card.