Hello, may I have your name please.

My name is Kathy.

Hello Kathy, how can I help you today?

I need to remove my husband’s name from our account.

We will need your husband’s permission to do that.

My husband died.

Oh, I’m very sorry to hear about your loss. Is he the primary account holder?

I think so.

We will need his phone number for verification.

His phone line has been cancelled.

Ok then, if you’ll just answer his identity verification questions. What was his mother’s maiden name?

Debrosky.

Spell that please.

I’m not sure if it’s spelled De or Da, ki or ky.

Ok then, how about this one: What was the first concert your husband attended?

I have no idea.

I’m sorry, Kathy. Let me transfer you to someone who can help.

Hello, Kathy, I understand you want to remove your husband’s name from your account.

Yes, it will solve a lot of problems and confusion.

I understand. Can you provide his full name, date of birth, social security? …Can you tell us his golf handicap, his favorite pizza topping, the last purchase he made, and his blood pressure?

No.

Do you know if he aired the tires recently or checked the filters? Do you know if he ordered cord of wood? Cancelled the flight? Paid the last electric bill?

No. No. No.

Ok then, you’ll need to fill out a form, it shouldn’t take more than 20-30 minutes, and return it along with his death certificate to the attached address. Allow about 6 weeks to process. At that time, please call us again, we can work toward a satisfactory solution.

OK.

Is there anything else I can help you with today?

No.

Then please stay on the line to answer a few brief survey questions. It has been my pleasure serving you today. Have a wonderful day.

Sigh. Cry.