Habits work their way into days and routines without notifying us. For example, driving. Each of us have a driving routine. I buckle my seat belt after I am fully out of the driveway. I have a funny habit of leaving tags on new items. Sometimes I will leave a gift or package unopened for awhile. Sometimes a few days. I don’t know why I do this. We do things because of repetition often without any rationale.

When I was caring for Bill I developed habits. I sat in our loveseat, my legs draped over its arm, so that I faced his hospital bed. Then I found and held his hand for many minutes, usually in the dark of early morning. With my free hand I caressed his. In this way, I felt close to him again after spending the night without him in our bed. The morning after he passed, I instinctively plopped down in the love seat and reached for Bill’s hand. I actually groped for it and found only the keen remembrance. Those first few mornings, the form of a hand was distinctive and yet, not there.

I would pick up my phone to speed dial him after a bit of news, after I’d heard from one of our kids, or to ask for directions or a simple question. On one trip back to our home town (I moved closer to our son and his family — more on that to come) I drove toward our street. My car, not me, made the turn to pull into our driveway. I ordered a drink for Bill in the drive-through. I flipped to the weather station so he could catch tomorrow’s forecast. Habits. Some are unchanging even when things change. They leave me startled. “What did I just do?” “My brain has been left behind.”

Even today, though I am much more aware of my habits, occasionally one will slip ahead of me and surprise me. Like always, it takes my breath away, but then the breath releases a giggle. “Look what I just did. I’m a ding dong.” I find the habits that hang around and sneak out of their corners, comfort me. It’s a reminder of my before life and how much I loved it. Bill, you were the reason for so many habits. After 40 years of marriage, I’m happy to mistakenly buy decaf hazelnut coffee Kcups.